Mutant Mexican Wrestlers
High in the Mexican mountains of Sierra Madre Occidental lie Durango and Zacatecas, towns steeped in the tradition of the ancient art of Mexican wrestling.
Training at altitude – la altura – helps breed the most feared wrestlers in the world: real sucia hombres. Fuelled on a diet of morcilla (blood sausage) and tequila alone, the wrestlers grow to become right ¡hijo de putas! So hideously disfigured by years of combatir, they hide their identity under brightly coloured masks. They are Mexico’s Mutant Wrestlers!
Yes, readers, forget the commercialised, corporatised wrestling of los Estados Unidos. This weekend, conocida el grupo de rock SixFtHick present Mutant Mexican Wrestling as the infamous Gabba Hotel converts to a new el local, the Tijauana Tequila Dome.
Two of Mexico’s biggest pesados, El Rollo and El Stumpo, have el avión vuelo to Brisbane for la pelea el año. It promises to be a fight to remember, as these two old foes renew acquaintances. For El Rollo, it’s a chance to even the score after El Stumpo accused him of the most heinous of Mexican crimes – stealing the worm from a shared tequila bottle.
"Oo-Kay, I’ll tell you one ting…" El Rollo begins, sounding like Speedy Gonzalez on tripi. "We went turdz in tequila and he say I eat worm. I not eat worm… and the other person who went turdz, he blame me for eating de worm. I think it woz Stumpo, so he gonna get thumpo."
A wrestling giant who doesn’t shirk at the thought of a tough bout, El Rollo is not even shaken by the rumour of El Stumpo having a few tricks down his briefs.
"Thaz iz about all hez got in hez brievs," El Rollo retorts. "If I worried, do you think I travel half way ’round world juz to thump someone?"
As El Rollo reveals, he plans to stick to a game plan that’s seen him win more fights than Mexico’s famous gallo de pelea – fighting cock – Ernesto.
"No sex between now and fight, no drinking… or not much drinking or cactus abuse until afta de fight. As for sex, cinz my wife caught me masturbating in front of a photo of her la madre [mother], she want nuting to do wid’ me. I’m juz ready to rub my torso up against El Stumpo and el thumpo him. I get my sexual gratification out of wrestling."
So how to feel about sharing the bill with rock bands like SixFtHick and Gasoline?
"You have rock bands in Australia? We just like the Tijauana Brass and flamenco. I not seez no rock bands before."
Surely you can’t wrestle to Tijauana Brass?
"Are you sayink what I can and cannot do? What, do you want me to danz while I wrestle? Whaz dis music stuff? The bands are supporting the wrestling… I think they chuck some support bands on afta de show when everyone still wanz to ’ang out and ’ave good time, you know?"
So have you got any new moves for the night?
"Well, I heard da door bitch from the Gabba has a tricky mammary muffle, but I not ’ave the mammaries to muffle. I juz do de genital scrap. When I invited over, I say ‘I not go all way over ’dere… kangaroos and stuff’. But they say ‘Da door bitch, she champion Ozstalian wrestler and she do the mammary muffle’. D’at an old hold ban many yeaz ago in Meccico. I zuppose I could do anal clench… I used to be called the Were-bottom."
As the Hick’s Geoffro Corbett explains, the night of nights reworks a popular format from Melbourne.
"We’ve played a few Rock’n’Roll Wrestling gigs at the Prince of Wales in St Kilda," Corbett says. "Some of the wrestlers down there have been doing it for like 20 years. It’s a really good night because it suits the whole rock’n’roll thing and the wrestlers down there have built their characters up: Mr Damage, The Ox, and Haka, this big Maori guy.
"Every couple of months they get together at the Prince of Wales and put three bands on – and they’ve got a full-size ring. I thought we’d do it in Brisbane, make it smaller and because we don’t have pro-wrestlers, we’d import some from Mexico. We’ve brought the Tequila Dome over from Tijauana and put it in the Gabba to make a better night of it."
The extravaganza also boasts DJ Kate from La Cruda and Alex Gillies from 4ZzZ spinning the best of Tex Mex and rock’n’roll, plus bands SixFtHick, Gasoline and the Fred Band.
"This is probably the strangest gig we’ve done, but probably the one we’re looking forward to the most," Gasoline’s Paul Gaydon says. "We might open with our only Mexican sounding song, which we’ve written, ‘Gringo Peepshow’. We done shows with SixFtHick down in Melbourne, and it’s always good to jump on another’s band bandwagon, so to speak. It’s guaranteed punters."
And before the main bout between El Stumpo and El Rollo, there’s some other ring action.
"We’ve also got the Gonzalez Sisters Tijauana Scragfight," Corbett reveals. "The young Gonzalez sisters – Conchita and Rosita – they just hate each other’s guts. They’re out to tear each other apart in the name of art."
So finally El Rollo, are you’re gonna beat El Stumpo?
"I tell you my fren, who travel halv way ’round world to looz fight? Only loozers. Az I say, video ain gonna kill thiz radio star."
So interested parties should bet on El Rollo?
"I tell you my fren, you bak me and you go home happy man. You take your family to holiday down da beach… Can we talk off da record? I ’ave some frens in Ozstralia now, and they’re gonna slip Stumpo sumtink to make him eazie to beeet."
Hang on, is that allowed?
"Jezus love you and bye!"
SixFtHick’s Mutant Mexican Wrestling featuring El Stumpo Vs El Rollo, Gasoline, the Fred Band and more is at Club Splurt, Gabba Hotel, this Friday Mar 9.
MATT CONNORS
Reference: TimeOff.com.au